The Four Agreements

The Four Agreements by Don Ruiz

This book is about four agreements, and that's all.

First Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Words have the power to create or destroy. Respect the words you use and the impact they make on your life. What people say can influence your emotions. Conversely, how other people use their words impacts you. Be aware of the information you are consuming, is the information you are gaining empowering you or making you feel sad or depressed?

As a psychodynamic therapist, I help people to gain a better understanding of their subconscious. Your subconscious mind absorbs information beyond your conscious awareness, influencing your thoughts and what you might say or feel towards others. When you hear an opinion and believe it, you make an "agreement," which becomes a part of your belief system. When you agree with something, make sure it's something that gives you a sense of hope and strength.

Words have power, so be impeccable with your words and filter those you consume. Words have intent, so when you speak poorly or are critical of someone, it will come back to you....the negativity you have put into the world.

Be conscientious of any tendency to gossip. Gossiping only reinforces negativity in your brain. Become a better communicator to others, so they genuinely understand what you mean.

Second Agreement: Don't take anything personally

How you respond to something will determine what you internalize, positively or negatively. Taking what someone says personally becomes an agreement you make with the other person. So if someone tells you you are stupid, for example, you will look for reasons to validate this, and over time you could end up agreeing with it internally. If internalized, you may behave in ways to further validate that reality.

I believe that by default, people hold on to the negativity they head and take it personally. It is not personal. The message you hear is most often the other person's projection*. That's where your filter should kick in, so don't take it personally. If you are going to project anything, let it be confidence and self-acceptance. Choose to place yourself in a positive environment, stop and realize that you have a choice whether you agree with others. Try to shut down your ego defense mechanisms and let go of your ego**.

Third Agreement: Don't Make Assumptions

If you make an assumption, make it a positive one. Healthy communication is the best defense against assumptions. Rather than point fingers or get caught up in your ego, work on becoming a good communicator. Real love is accepting people as they are without trying to change them. If you are trying to change someone, maybe you don't like them? Imagine living your life without judging others. You don't always have to be right, and you don't have to prove everyone wrong constantly. Could you be projecting your harsh self-judgment?

Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best

Your best effort can change from one moment to another, from one day to another, and can change over time. As you build the habit of the four new agreements, your best will become better than it used to be. Doing your best means taking action because you treasure it, not because you are expecting a reward. You know you are doing your best when you are enjoying the action or doing it in a way that will not negatively affect you. Many people do the opposite: and only take action when they desire a reward. That's the reason they don't do their best.

Action is about living fully. Inaction is the way that we deny life.

Final thoughts

This book is about self-acceptance, loving yourself for who you are, and working on these four steps. To me is about learning to see the beauty in others and myself.

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*Projection displaces one's feelings onto a different person, animal, or object. The term is most commonly used to describe defensive projection—attributing one's own unacceptable urges to another. For example, if someone continuously bullies and ridicules a peer about his insecurities, the bully might be projecting his struggle with self-esteem onto the other person. The concept emerged from Sigmund Freud's work on defense mechanisms and was further refined by his daughter, Anna Freud, and other prominent figures in psychology.

**Your ego is your conscious mind, the part of your identity that you consider your "self." If you say someone has "a big ego," you are saying s/he is too full of themselves.